Quote Archive

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It's time for Clarkesmas! DetectiveClarke.com will be updated daily for the final twelve days of December with a hilarious quote from the newest book in the R.D. Clarke series: The Christmystery (A Clarke Quickie) available free of charge for a limited time on Smashwords and right here at detectiveclarke.com!

The Twelve Quotes of Clarkesmas: DAY TWELVE!

“I thought you were having fun,” I revealed.

“No!” Karen shot back. “I was cold, I had two and a half hours sleep and I was surrounded by drunk guys who kept asking if I wanted to see their candy cane: I was miserable!”
-From The Chrismystery: A Clarke Quickie
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The Twelve Quotes of Clarkesmas: Day Eleven

I calmly and discreetly gathered my trash and dumped it in a nearby bin. I wasn’t paying complete attention and the lid of the sushi tray dropped onto the ground, but I didn’t want to waste time picking it up, employing the rationale that helping to ensure the mall’s janitors remained gainfully employed was in keeping with the Christmas spirit.
-From The Chrismystery: A Clarke Quickie

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The Twelve Quotes of Clarkesmas: Day Ten

“Might I recommend something from our botanical delights section,” the persistent clerk offered, now pointing at a section of pink candles, “I highly recommend Springtime Meadow,” he added, though that sounded like more of a feminine hygiene project than a potential present for a nonexistent girlfriend.
-From The Chrismystery: A Clarke Quickie

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The Twelve Quotes of Clarkesmas: Day Nine

“We can’t not kill him,” countered Skinny Kid, whose usage of double negatives was another reason to hate him – not as strong a reason as his insistence on killing me in increasingly painful and disfiguring ways, but a reason nonetheless.
-From The Chrismystery: A Clarke Quickie

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The Twelve Quotes of Clarkesmas: Day Eight

“You can’t resist taking on cases you’re not ready for, can you?” Dad asked, indicating that he had found out about my latest side project -- something I wasn’t planning on letting him find out about, as the old man frowned upon me taking on my own side cases: it was technically illegal and I have a bad habit of almost getting killed when I do it.
-From The Chrismystery: A Clarke Quickie

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The Twelve Quotes of Clarkesmas: Day Seven

   “He had brown eyes, but that’s about all I can tell you – white guy, brown eyes.”

    ‘White, brown eyes’ I scribbled down on the pad. That narrowed the suspect pool down to about a billion people, but I’m an optimist, so I consider that five or six billion people scratched off the list, including most of the populations of China and India.
                                                         -From The Chrismystery: A Clarke Quickie

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The Twelve Quotes of Clarkesmas: Day Six

I sat in gridlock for about fifteen minutes, only to take twice that amount of time finding what I deemed a suitable parking space – this was another aspect of my personality I most assuredly did not get from my father, who would park in the next county if there was an open spot there.
-From The Chrismystery: A Clarke Quickie

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The Twelve Quotes of Clarkesmas: Day Five

I looked around, trying to get a hold on what was going on and eventually keyed in on the conversation around me, people muttering about a bunch of Santas breaking the tinseled rope and heading for stores, followed by gawking and an eventual stop as the ‘Running of the Santas’ became the ‘Standing of the Santas as they watch some of the Santas break from the line to rob some stores.’ That name is definitely not going to catch on.
-From The Chrismystery: A Clarke Quickie

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The Twelve Quotes of Clarkesmas: Day Four

"After more coffee, tea and idle chatter, we decided to seek out the food tent, easily located due to its sheer size and the sound of a few generators whirring next to it, cutting through the pleasant tones of a Christmas music marathon which was currently showcasing that song where the dogs bark out Jingle Bells that’s cute the first three or four times you hear it and then unbearably annoying for the rest of your life."
-From The Chrismystery: A Clarke Quickie

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The Twelve Quotes of Clarkesmas: Day Three

I did not anticipate that one of my favorite days of the year would end with me being eaten alive by a pack of hungry pit bulls.
-From The Chrismystery: A Clarke Quickie

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The Twelve Quotes of Clarkesmas: Day Two

    “I’m an apprentice private detective,” I announced, producing a card. Erik shook his head so I slid it back into my pocket.

    “You’re messing with me,” Erik declared, “you don’t look like a detective.” I looked down at myself. I had forgotten that I was wearing a Santa Suit.

    “I had a small office up in the North Pole,” I quipped, “I was the best, I brought down a syndicate that was lookin’ to fix the reindeer games.”
                                                                              -From The Chrismystery: A Clarke Quickie

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The Twelve Quotes of Clarkesmas: Day One

"I woke up to the shaming realization that I had taken a nap in a Santa Claus costume – attire no one should ever be unconscious in unless they’re alcoholics who really, really like the Salvation Army. "
-From The Chrismystery: A Clarke Quickie

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Week: December 11-18, 2011

     Quentin was too wrapped up in his cheeseburger to acknowledge my politeness. Niceties weren't his thing – not that he wasn't a good guy, but they were a waste of time. Sometimes I wonder if our friendship was born out of the fact that he addresses me by my initials – R.D. – instead of a full name, saving him valuable time better spent ingesting caffeine and designing Wordpress themes.

    The hard work on the burger paid off, as Quentin was able to wolf down the remainder as I neatly folded the piece of paper twice and stuck it in my left pocket.

    After looking at his watch, Quentin took an empty plastic bottle out of his backpack and poured the remainder of his drink into it rather hastily, so hastily that a good eighth of it spilled out onto the table.

    "I gotta run," he explained, digging into his pockets as he talked. Three twenty dollar bills sailed out of his hands, clearing the spill and landing on my side of the table.

    "That's enough to cover my share, right?"

    I looked at the sixty bucks. "Yeah, unless you bought a bottle of champagne while I wasn't looking."
                                                                                                                                    -From I'm Detective Clarke

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Week: December 4-11, 2011

    "I took a moment to get the lay of the land – the same as any DMV you’ve ever been to – high windows, armed security traipsing about, and water fountains that probably carried more disease than a transcontinental ship in the fifteenth century. "
                                        -From Detective Clarke Meets The Reaper

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Week: Oct 30-Nov 5, 2011

    “We consider this an open case, so we won’t be making any formal announcements until we’ve been able to close it,” announced Agent Carnell Potts as the newscast cut to an interview in front of the very same police precinct where I met Caitlyn Southerland.

    “He as much of a prick as he seems?” Dad asked.

     “Not at all,” I replied sarcastically, “real sweet heart of a guy, gave me a killer pecan pie recipe. Let me hold his gun too.”
                                        -From Detective Clarke Meets The Reaper
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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 29, 2011

    The Bobby in ‘Billy and Bobby’s’ nodded. “Billy sold his share to me a while back. I’d change the name to Bobby and Billy’s to get top billing, but then I’d have to get new shirts made!” Bobby let loose with a hellacious chuckle, the kind only made by self-laughers who have deluded themselves into thinking they’re actually funny.
                                          -From Detective Clarke Meets The Reaper

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 28, 2011

     It was 5:18 PM when I parked in the lot in front of Billy and Bobby’s, a nice-sized bar with a green and yellow exterior jazzed up by a few shamrocks painted on the walls, making this some kind of an Irish sports place or something – I don’t know about you, but I love me some Shepherd’s Pie when I’m watching Monday Night Football.
                                                                                        -From Detective Clarke Meets The Reaper

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 27, 2011

    Two hours in, things got very interesting. I realized – a bit too late – that the same rules applied for stakeouts that applied to young children at bedtime.

    Don't drink a lot beforehand.

     Pee before you go.
                                   - From I'm Detective Clarke

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 26, 2011

A door chimed just as Lauren was finished speaking. She motioned for me to come closer to her and kept guiding me closer until I was leaning over the desk, my face maybe four or five inches away from hers, tops. She smelled like vanilla. Vanilla and rainbows.

Again I ask, what the hell is wrong with me?

“So you can buy a day trip, which will let you tour the spa a little bit and see what we have to offer. It's a totally good deal if you want to clean up for a day, but most people fall in love and buy a season pass!” Her voice was bubbly and flirty, she was giving me googly eyes, I was falling in love with her. I wanted to buy a spa package.

Her breath smelled like vanilla and rainbows. I am seriously mentally ill, I require professional help.

“We were voted the top spa in the county by the Times, and offer a total satisfaction guarantee.” She smiled and I wanted to buy her a car.
- From I'm Detective Clarke

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 25, 2011

    I tied a few Google strings together to look deeper into Rebecca Grant’s particular brand of neurosis.

    I hate it when you know when you want to look for something, but you’re not quite sure how to phrase it right to make the search engine to spit something useful out. I never thought I’d type the phrase ‘murder hypochondria’ in my life -- it sounded like a bad band you go to see as a favor for a girl you like, only to find out she’s in love with the rhythm guitar player.
                                                                            -From Destined for Death: A Clarke Quickie

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 24, 2011

    I tried to push the case out of my mind and dive into my work, but the Reaper crept back into my head like a pop song you can’t stop thinking of no matter how hard you try -- although I can’t remember ever hearing a song about a serial murderer with a compulsion for amateur surgery and organ harvesting, and I’ve listened to some weird stuff, mostly to impress girls.
                                                                                                          -From Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 23, 2011: Reaper Week, Day 7

“Now,” I said, mumbling a bit as I was applying pressure to my busted upper lip, “what are you doing here?” I think it came out more like ‘muht rar moo rooing rear,’ I never knew putting pressure on a busted lip would do such great things for my Scooby-Doo impression.
-From Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper

It's Reaper Week! Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper will be released in just two days! To get everyone ready, every quote this week will be a never before seen line from the upcoming novel length eBook.

Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 22, 2011: Reaper Week, Day 6

I’m a realist, I wasn’t going to be able to beat this guy in a head on fight – that’s exactly why I elected to sucker punch the dude the first time around – so I was going with the stick and move philosophy, or to be more accurate, move and move and keep moving until someone shows up and calls the police.
-From Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper

It's Reaper Week! Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper will be released Monday. To get everyone ready, every quote this week will be a never before seen line from the upcoming novel length eBook.

Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 21, 2011: Reaper Week, Day 5

We passed into a cold, sparsely lit hallway with gray linoleum floors and blue tiled walls, the patterns swooping by as we walked (well, I suppose we were swooping by the patterns). I was struck by the sense of distortion that you can suffer from in hallway, where a morgue can look like a school can look like a DMV – except the latter two don’t reek of death and I’d prefer spending an afternoon at a school or a morgue if given the choice.
-From Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper

It's Reaper Week! Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper will be released Monday. To get everyone ready, every quote this week will be a never before seen line from the upcoming novel length eBook.

Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 20, 2011: Reaper Week, Day 4

The trip was arranged by Quentin Gardner. Quentin's my best friend, a prominent celebrity in the blogosphere, and a man with vast connections – he’s the kind of guy whose LinkedIn profile reads like someone jumbled Entertainment Weekly with The Wall Street Journal.
-From Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper

It's Reaper Week! Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper will be released Monday. To get everyone ready, every quote this week will be a never before seen line from the upcoming novel length eBook.

Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 19, 2011: Reaper Week, Day 3

   “Light beer, whatever’s the cheapest,” I said, fully aware of how much of a pansy I came across as.

     “No, really, what do you want?”

    I thought about feigning a seizure to escape the situation, but wasn’t sure any of the staff or patrons would care.

    “I know it’s not the manliest thing in the world,” I announced with the pride and confidence of a manic depressive gas station attendant, “but I’d like a light beer please.”

    The bartender grabbed a pint glass stained with streaks so big Joe DiMaggio would be jealous. She poured a glass full of water and slid it in my direction.
                   -From Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper

It's Reaper Week! Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper will be released Monday. To get everyone ready, every quote this week will be a never before seen line from the upcoming novel length eBook.

Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 18, 2011: Reaper Week, Day 2

The bar itself was nothing to write home about, unless for some reason you happen to keep a residence at the local board of health.
-From Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper

It's Reaper Week! Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper will be released Monday. To get everyone ready, every quote this week will be a never before seen line from the upcoming novel length eBook.

Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 17, 2011: Reaper Week, Day 1

   The bartender was easily over two hundred pounds, wore a shirt sporting language I’d consider too foul for public discourse and had a ton of tattoos and piercings, about as many as your average traveling circus in the 1950’s...

    In short, she was scary looking.
                    -From Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper

It's Reaper Week! Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper will be released Monday. To get everyone ready, every quote this week will be a never before seen line from the upcoming novel length eBook.

Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 16, 2011

     “Is it all right if I take a look around.”

    “Do whatever you need to do, Clarke, just fix my dog.”

    I know it’s a sure sign of my immaturity that ‘damn, and I left my spaying tools in my other shorts’ was the first thought that crossed my mind.
                                            -From Destined for Death: A Clarke Quickie

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 15, 2011

    “I was going to ask you what you liked, but I wanted to surprise you. It's chicken breast stuffed with a blend of wild brown rice and couscous. I didn't want to do anything too crazy, so I topped it off with a homemade curry sauce and fresh broccoli and chopped carrots.”

     “Um,” I said, still blown away by her culinary artistry. She gave me a look like 'um' was some sort of code for 'your parents died in a horrible boating accident.'
                                                                                            -From I'm Detective Clarke

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 14, 2011

     My mom and stepfather didn't make a huge deal out of it, but did buy a small cake – a tiny pre-made one you'd find sitting in a supermarket, only this one read "Happy Birthday Rob," in dark green icing. Little green and yellow flowers decorated the sides and the entire thing was surrounded by a yellow border.

     I wanted to punch that cake.
                                                                -From I'm Detective Clarke

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 13, 2011

    The master detective I’m studying under – my father, the legendary Jerry Clarke – is supposed to be overseeing my work, but often leaves me to my own devices. He’ll get away with slacking off on his mentor duties, too: he’s made more connections in his career than eHarmony, so he gets levels of carte blanche most police chiefs would envy.
     -From Destined for Death: A Clarke Quickie

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 12, 2011

    "Stacey. Stacey Simpson. Her brothers are named Andre and Wesley." I jotted the names down, making notations for brothers and girlfriend, though I almost instantly realized that was pointless – there was little chance her brother's girlfriend was named Wesley.
                                                                                            -From I'm Detective Clarke

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 11, 2011

    “No. I’m not on the case,” I explained, “I came to the morgue to give my friend a ride home.”

     “Does he have any information?” Ana Ruiz asked, not giving up the fight.

     “No.”

     “How can you be sure?”

     “I just am.”

     “How?”

     “He got hit by an 18-wheeler, I’m here to drive what’s left him to the taxidermist,” I explained, losing patience and replacing it with a healthy helping of sarcasm.
                                                                                                    -From Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper

Detective Clarke Meets the Reaper will be available for download on October 24, 2011

Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 10, 2011

     Once my chat with the boss was over, I dug into my reserve of energy drinks – I didn't want to do it this soon after downing the giant cup of coffee and did so fully aware that the sheer amount of stimulants in my system was making my heart work harder than Santa's elves on December 23rd, but it was a necessary evil in this case.
                                                                                            -From I'm Detective Clarke

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 9, 2011

    Quentin's a blogger, but unlike 99.99% of them, he makes money doing it.
                                                                                    -From I'm Detective Clarke

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 8, 2011

    I cleared my throat and put on my best professional voice. “Yeah, yes sir. This is Mr. Clarke, uh, um, Detective Mr. Clarke”

    ‘Way to go, very smooth R.D.’ I thought to myself. I was glad my dad didn’t hear it or else I’d have a placard on my desk the next day reading “Detective Mr. Clarke.
                                                      -From Destined for Death: A Clarke Quickie

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 7, 2011

It was so hot outside you could fry an egg, but it wasn’t breakfast time anymore, so it’d make more sense to fry up something else.
-From Destined for Death: A Clarke Quickie

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 6, 2011

    I learned my mom was less an administrative professional and more a professional solitaire player. From three to four-thirty, Mrs. Clarke was more interested in chaining black tens to red jacks than she was with making Walt Whitman Elementary School run better.

    Twenty years have passed. Mrs. Clarke is now Mrs. Burns. After remarrying, she left the school and started a successful catering business

     I have become a man, chronologically if not emotionally. I am now the one in the family blowing off administrative duties by aimlessly clicking away at a pointless computer game – the difference being that I, unlike my mother, scoff at antiquated card games and use my time more efficiently – tending to an imaginary farm and hoping girls I had a thing for in high school feel the need to socially network with me.
                                                                                                                        -From I'm Detective Clarke

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 5, 2011

    “Don’t play dumb with me, young man,” she said. I wondered if she was a librarian or an elementary school principal in a previous career. “I let you take a pen earlier, and I would like it back.”

    “Sorry, I must have misplaced it,” I said, scrambling for an answer.

    “The pen, please,” she commanded. Never before had usage of the word ‘please’ been tied to a request so hostile.

     I stared at the woman incredulously, she stared back with just as much intensity.

     “The pen. Now.”

    I can’t be certain that my eyes were not playing tricks on me, but I think her eyes were glowing red.

     We remained locked in silence for some time, long enough for other people in line to begin looking at us.

    “My taxes paid for that pen,” I announced, and walked out of the office.
                                                        -From Detective Clarke Meets The Reaper

Detective Clarke Meets The Reaper Will Be Available On October 24, 2011

Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 4, 2011

My brain has good intentions, really it does. It allows me to remember how to drive, how to eat, how to dress myself in the morning and carry out all of the basic functions of everyday life, but when the pressure rises, and it's put into a position to do the right thing, it instantly and completely sabotages itself.
-From I'm Detective Clarke

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 3, 2011

“Name?” he asked.

The man responded by suggesting my father should provide him with the gift of oral sex. My father responded by backhanding him.

“Name!” he barked.

The man made the same utterance. I saw a bulge in his back pocket and went after it, pulling out a wallet I hoped was his. The man was none too happy about this and went after me, but Dad closed the distance on him and put him back on the floor with an elbow to the throat.

“Good move, going to the wallet,” Dad said.

“When fists fail, use your head,” I explained.

“I know that,” Dad explained, “I was going to headbutt him next.”
-From Destined for Death: A Clarke Quickie

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 2, 2011

I opened my desk drawer. If I ran into problems with Ashley Ristorelli and things turned physical, I did not want to go into that fight alone – I'd lose, and lose in a way that would not be very good for my bones and/or vital organs. I thought of all of the classic private dick stories, where the gruff Phillip Marlowe type (or even better, the actual Phillip Marlowe) would keep a .38 and a bottle of whiskey in their drawer.

My drawer contained pens, a stack of post-it notes and papers of various, oft forgotten origins. I am most assuredly not gruff.
-From I'm Detective Clarke

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for October 1, 2011

...it was about four in the morning and there wasn’t a soul on the streets to speak of. Of course, that meant the drive to my mom’s house took half the time it usually would, even though I successfully resisted the urge to blow through red lights in obviously empty intersections. Damn red light cameras.
-From Detective Clarke Meets The Reaper

Detective Clarke Meets The Reaper Will Be Available On October 24, 2011

Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for September 30, 2011

"I don't have an appointment."

    I knew she didn't, and to this day I don't know why I didn't just say that. I also don't know why I continually obsess about whether or not I say the right things.

    "Well then," I said, trying to sound professional, "We'll have to set one up. Give me the details of your case, and we'll see if it's worth taking on." This was customary during busy times, when dad could be choosier with his workload.

    The girl seemed dismayed with my statement, looking away and stretching her quivering lips into a desperate frown. "I did." Desperately blinking back tears now. "I e-mailed Detective Clarke and he turned me down."

     "And you were hoping stopping by in person would make him reconsider?"

    'No, stupid, she's here to sell you a vacuum. ' I thought.
      -From I'm Detective Clarke

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for September 29, 2011

    “Your mother is thinking about a trial separation.”

     Well, that wasn't so bad. Not so bad until Otto turned around and I could see the tears streaming down his face. It appears that our moment wasn't exactly our moment after all.

     “I'm sorry to hear that Otto.”

     Sniffling, sobbing, a shell of a man, Otto sank onto my bed. “I'm sorry Robert,” a big sniffle was choked back and all I could think of was Dr. Burns snot all over my bed. “I shouldn't be laying this out on you, I'm sure it's a difficult pill for you to swallow as well.”

     Well, no. I felt bad for the guy, but I didn't feel bad, if that makes any sense.

     “What happened?” I said to be nice, though my mom's love life wasn't something I really cared to talk or think about. If the words 'another man' popped into the equation, I planned on running out the door.

     If the words 'her needs aren't being met' came into play, I was going straight for the window.
   -From I'm Detective Clarke

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for September 28, 2011

    “Place that big, there has to be a few exits. Shame we don’t have another car,” he said, making it sound like private eyes regularly kept another car handy just in case they’re tailing a billionaire with multiple hidden driveways.

    “Don’t worry,” I said, trying to sound sarcastic, “I keep a moped in the trunk just in case something like this happens.”

    “I’ll drive, you take the moped,” Dad replied, not understanding the outrageous nature of the statement. Nothing worse than a guy who can throw wisecracks like the best of them but can’t get a joke to save his life.

    “I was kidding Dad.”

    "Oh."

    It was going to be a long night.
        -From Destined for Death: A Clarke Quickie

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for September 27, 2011

The crown jewel of his sitting area appeared to be the rug he was pointing at: a soft looking masterpiece with intricate designs that momentarily hypnotized me, my trance being broken when Grant slapped me on the back and pushed me forward. It was only then I noticed a sizeable dark patch a little to the left of the center of the rug.

“Look at that! Go on, look at it! Does that look like something a dog would do if they weren’t under stress!”

I moved forward and took a closer look. I was afraid Grant would smack me with a rolled up newspaper and rub my nose in the stain if I didn’t.
-From Destined for Death: A Clarke Quickie

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for September 26, 2011

“Really,” she emphasized, “whatever I can do.”

    “I'll remember that.”

    I liked that. 'I'll remember that,' it was definitely something a dashing detective would say upon exiting. Would've been perfect, but the urge to urinate raged back in an instant, twice as powerful as before.

    “Um, I think I might have to use your bathroom after all,” I stated, my confidence leaking out of my body like... like, well, use your imagination. Rest assured, Sam Spade never asked a classy dame if he could use her toilet.
          -From I'm Detective Clarke

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for September 25, 2011

   The bar itself was old and the wood needed to be refinished. I smiled as I approached and got a sneer and a “what the hell do you want?” from the friendly barkeep as I arrived. I was also called a certain name shared by cats and the female anatomy. The bartender was easily over two hundred pounds, wore a shirt sporting language I’d consider too foul for public discourse and had a ton of tattoos and piercings, about as many as your average travelling circus in the 1950’s...

    She was scary looking.

         -From Detective Clarke Meets The Reaper

Detective Clarke Meets The Reaper Will Be Available On October 24, 2011

Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for September 24, 2011

    If Annie was anything shy of the showiest of show dogs, I didn’t catch a whiff of it (pardon the pun). She trotted around the park like she was light enough to float along the air above the ground and never so much as looked at the other dogs unless specifically instructed to do so. I’ve seen kids who were louder and more skittish than this.

    A lot of them needed to be housebroken too.
      -From Destined for Death: A Clarke Quickie

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for September 23, 2011

   Things got worse as I heard Lauren open her door. I tried to push the urine out faster, but my urethra was betraying me.
                                                                     -From I'm Detective Clarke

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for September 22, 2011

    I nodded like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Yes sir, I understand." He kept staring daggers through me, continuing to do so for about ten or twenty seconds until I turned tail and walked away.

    "Detective Clarke?" I heard, very faintly, from the call box, the voice of the ever persistent K. Wagner. I looked back long enough to see Mr. Ristorelli press the button. "Your detective's gotta go!" He yelled.

    And go I did, walking meekly to my car, almost convinced I would grow a tail just so I could tuck it between my legs.
                                                                                           -From I'm Detective Clarke
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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for September 21, 2011

    Grant gave me a look of disbelief in return. “Do you think you were the first person I called about this problem?”

    I stood back silently. “Do you?” He asked again, much louder this time. I felt like a kid in history class who said that John F. Kennedy freed the slaves.
                                        -From Destined for Death: A Clarke Quickie

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Detective Clarke's Quote of the Day for September 20, 2011

    "How does one delicately tell someone they're only pretending to be interested in them because they suspect them of murder?"

                                                                   -From I'm Detective Clarke

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